FODDER UP! PART XIIII: A FATHER'S TOUCH - MASSAGE FOR THE NEW MOTHER IN YOUR LIFE

Scene from National Lampoon's, Van Wilder

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that giving a massage is not my thing. If anything, I've gone out of my way to try to convince my wife that I'm the worst massage "giver" on the face of the planet. My reputation is so bad that during prenatal classes when the instructor told us to pair off to practice relaxing massage techniques on our wives, my wife offered money to anyone who would switch partners with her- no takers, male or female. So, I've taken it upon myself here to suggest to you, those husbands that don't enjoy sleeping on the couch, that maybe a few lessons in the art of massage might not be such a bad thing to help your wife both lighten the load while pregnant and lighten up after the baby is born. It's time to Fodder Up! This weeks installment: The Art of Massage.


There are many parts on your wife's body you both have probably forgotten about during the nine months or more since her pregnancy began. So let's start with the most obvious:

The Feet:

PULP FICTION- FOOT MASSAGE- ANIMATED

I don't know why, but for some reason women just love to have their feet rubbed. Pregnant or not, my wife likes to sprawl out on the couch, place her corn covered feet on my lap, and demand that I give her satisfaction. I in turn oblige by rubbing the balls of her bunioned feet for a few seconds with my thumb before placing her feet back on the couch as I exit the room to find the strongest hand sanitizer money can buy (kidding).

But, for you, may I suggest this instead:

Proper Foot Massage Techniques - Video
Foot Massage Therapy- Alternate Approach

If you feel adventurous, you can try the techniques suggested in THIS article, but watch out for hoof and mouth disease.

Article - The Art of Foot Play- Ask Men.Com

Neck, Back and Shoulders :

Look, we all know the only reason you're offering to give your wife a neck, back or shoulder rub is to loosen her up to either get her in to bed or get her to leave you alone so she'll go to bed and you can watch sports highlights. Either way, the better and more efficient your massage technique the sooner you will be watching those sports highlights. So let's learn how to do it properly, shall we?

Full Back Massage- Video

Now, there are more advanced technique to produce a more sensual (i.e a better sexual) experience, but we're trying to keep it P.G. people, so here's a preview, but you'll have to do your own research on this one to get FULL instruction...

Buttocks Massage- Video (Graphic Content - Beware)

And there you have the basics to get you started on the road back in to your wife's good graces. Sure, she nags and berates and basically makes you want to jab a hot poker in to your eye, but she is the love of your life and mother of your newborn child, so it's not such a bad idea to show her how much you appreciate her from time to time with a nice, relaxing massage... by candle light, with oils, on satin sheets, in a $1000 a day resort, on another continent... (what, you don't think I'm gonna milk this for all it's worth?).

All I can say is: enjoy! After all, if done right, who nows the kind of brownie points you'll get out of this? Your wife might even let you go out with your friends every once in a while? Or have your friends over to watch the hockey game? Or cook you a meal... but let's not go crazy here.