Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...

Hey Mom!: How's This for a Creative Way to Rap About Potty Training?

Recently, I've noticed some big changes in my daughter's behaviour. She's a lot angrier than she used to be. She's asserting herself more, demanding her independence, and frankly she's using a lot of slang terms I just don't understand. She says "No" a lot and refuses to wear anything other than a pink valour sweatsuit, sunglasses, high top sneakers and a big time piece around her neck. I'd swear it's just a faze, as what 19-month-old doesn't try to test her parent's patience? But, it's more than that. It's like she's trying to find her voice- an artistic outlet to speak out about the trials and tribulations of what it's like to be a toddler. So, being the kind of forward-thinking father that I am, I wanted to help her embrace this independent, artisitic streak and help her find the right platform from which to launch her new found passion for... rapping.

Now, if I've learned anything from other famous fathers, such as myself (Gene Simmons, Frank Sinatra, Hulk Hogan), it's not a sin to show a little nepotism and help your kid (talented or not) to get a foot through the door in to the entertainment business. Now, if I'm guilty of anything, it's that I just love my kid too much to tell her that she may not have the coordination, the talent, or the vocal ability to dance, sing, or carry a tune of any kind. But, I know, if she works really hard, maybe, just maybe, we can get her a gig singing at a shopping mall (Tiffany), or a tour in Germany (opening for the Hoff). A man can dream, can't he?

So, here it is, my daughter's first offering for the masses; singing as angrily as she possibly can about the plight of toddlers in today's "do as you're told society." I'm quite proud of her, but, hey, I am her father.

So, eat your heart out Lynn Spears. I've got a daughter good enough to make millions of dollars by dancing and lip synching to over produced songs too, even if she can't hold her own spoon, let alone a microphone.

From the Double Album:
By the Numbers (1 & 2)
Lyrics and Music By:
Dads on a Daze Sleep
Performed By:
L'il D.D. and the Factory of Funk
Produced by:
Fodder 4 Fathers Productions

[Imagine Milli Vanilli if the two guys were babies (and, well, girls) and they decided to do a three way duet with NWA and RUN DMC--- that's the sound we were going for. Enjoy!].
POTTY TIME (Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved)

Well they took away my diapers,
Said: "It's time for a "change"
They say I got to be (TAUGHT)
Said I got to be (TRAINED)
Why Mommy be hate'in'?
Why Daddy be cold?
I'm not even two-years-old...
I've gotta go
(So its potty time)
I see the porcelain throne
(But it's a mountain to climb)
But show me a potty and I'll get there
But it's got to be a potty
I got no time to spare

I wake up in the morning and I gotta go
I used to go in my pants,
 now my Mom says: "(NO!)"
I keep trying to tell her,
but SHE don't understand
I don't GO on the CAN
I've gotta go (So its potty time)
 I see the porcelain throne
 (But it's a mountain to climb)
 So show me a potty and I'll get there
But it's got to be a potty
 I've got no time to spare

I think I get the picture,
I think I see the (PLOT)
You sit on the seat
and you shit on the (POT)
I guess it's kind of freeing,
I guess its kind nice
So all you toddlers (Take my advice):

If you gotta pee
(Then it's potty time)
Ya gotta number 2
(Then it's potty time)
If you want to see the day 
when you don't have a rash
Then it's time for a potty...
(Time to wipe your own ASS)!

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