Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...


"Oh, no. What's this dumbass getting
 us in to this time?"
If you ask me, moms like to think they have the market cornered on the whole "poor me" concept after the birth of a child. Granted, men don't have to carry a baby for nine months, push it out of a sensitive orifice, or spend another nine months or more trying to look and feel the way they did before the whole ordeal began, but we do suffer certain hardships that only a man would understand. So when I came across a list entitled "10 Things All New Moms Should Not Have to Do" I couldn't help but come up with a very special list of my own.

So, while our friends at Conscience Parenting seem to have the market cornered on the mom's perspective of post-pregnancy hardships, we'd like to present you with a unique list of our own (in no particular order), from a man's point of view.

Here is the original:

Here is our rebuttal:


  • "PUMP OUR OWN GAS" - I may have borrowed the title on this one from the original, but whereas they meant it literally I mean it figuratively- because, let's face it, men aren't above using euphemisms to tell their wives that it's been a long time since they got, well, lucky. So while our wives worry about their appearance after the birth of a child, we worry about chaffing.

  • BE EXAMINED BY EVERY PERSON WITH A VAGINA- That's right, new dads don't appreciate the fact that every woman and her mom seems to have a tidbit of advice for him on everything from how to hold his new baby, care for his new baby, rock his new baby to sleep, or hum "Baby" by Justin Beiber when he thinks no one is listening. Isn't it bad enough that we're under the watchful eye of our wives 24/7? Do we really need all the Yenta's on our case too?

  • STAND IN LINE AT A GROCERY STORE... TO BUY TAMPONS- I don't know about you, but after the birth of a child I think a man SHOULD be responsible for say stopping at the store to pick up some formula or diapers, maybe a loaf of bread and some milk - he might even feel comfortable buying a box of condoms (I mean, what's the difference when you're carting around a baby- the cat's out of the bag). What he should never, ever, ever, ever be responsible for is having to stop and pick up tampons. As some one whose mother once sent him to the store (with a note) to get her some tampons, and a pack of cigarettes (I was nine), I can assure you this is psychologically damaging (not to mention embarrassing ) to a man at any age. My suggestion: for the love of God, don't make tampons the only thing on your list!

  • MEET OUR WIVES AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE: Look, I know that it's no fun taking a baby in for his/her first set of shots and most mom's hate to do it alone, but if I go out of my way to send my mom with you, don't call me an hour before the appointment to guilt trip me and make me leave the office for something our child won't remember 30 seconds after it happens even though you'll be talking to your friends about it for a month: "(Sobbing) Oh, it was awful. I swear the needle was THIS big....My husband?: No help."

  • GETTING STUCK TRAFFICKING!- Moms complain about wasting time in traffic- dads worry about how the family is going to pay all the bills with a new mouth to feed; bringing a different kind of "traffic" (or trafficking) up for discussion. So while mom's getting annoyed while she sits at every red light, dad's out trying to get paid in every red light district- selling dope, his body, or even body parts to help make ends meet. And once you get in to the lifestyle, it's hard to get out (I watch a lot of cop dramas). So please, mom, is it really necessary to buy that pair of Seven's for a 2-month-old? Think of what your spending is doing to your poor husband-  and what they'll do to him in jail if he gets caught.

  • PAY FOR BABY CLOTHES- Going back to our above discussion, all baby clothes should come with one price tag- free! That's right, between hand-me-downs, or gifts, or loaners, or grandparents, no new parent of relative means (or connections) will ever need to buy an article of clothing for their first born child- EVER! But, somehow, every weekend, there you are walking through the mall buying five more outfits your baby will only get to wear twice. STOP IT! Buy something useful- like lottery tickets.

  • CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR WIFE-  Uh-huh. After the birth of a child (well, wait a month or two to let her recuperate) "On-Duty Daddy" means cleaning up after the kid, not the wife. Once those nine months of pregnancy are up so are the days of cleaning up after all the shoes, and articles of clothing, and empty plates of food that your wife leaves lying around the house. Once she can see her toes again, she can also see that her days of being pampered are now over- except for date night, Valentine's day, Mother's Day, and that spa treatment you'll spring for to let her know how much she "means" to you.

  • SHAVE- If, after the baby, she's not shaving her legs, I'm not shaving the beard... no matter what her mom says!

  • GO IN TO A BABY STORE- After the whole experience of registering for baby gifts, shopping for necessities before the baby is born, and being carted from one furniture store to the next looking for the perfect crib, have we not suffered enough? I mean, what the hell are mothers, and sisters and friends for if not to give your husband a break so he can catch up on some reading (Maxim, Playboy, The Victoria's Secret Catalogue)? No! I will not go in to that baby store... this time?

  • WATCH ANY REALITY SHOW WITH THE WORD "DANCING" IN IT- Yeah, it's bad enough that you have to give up the spare TV room for the baby, but when you're missing a entire season of hockey the least your wife can do is compromise instead of forcing you to watch one horrifying dance or modelling or dating show after the other. Let's face it, I have a daughter, I'm going to be watching one live recital after another for the next 10 - 20 years- do I have to watch someone else's kid suck on TV as well?  And, no, figure skating is not what I mean by compromise.

There it is ladies. You think you've got the market covered on bitching? Until you sit in a room with a guy forced to watch this, or "Bachelor Pad" (the TV show, not the film), you don't know bitchiness.

See you next time!

Fodder 4 Fathers

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I can't even fathom the trauma from the experience your mother forced upon 9 year old you. Fortunately you made it this far and it seems like your parenting skills are a bit better for the early wear and tear that you suffered.

    Great list. Especially #1 & 2!