|Scene from the "Shining"|
No. 5: Darth Vader
(Star Wars, 1977)
Now this one is a no-brainer, as any one who grew up on the original Star Wars trilogy will attest- this a$$hole doesn't have the first clue when it comes to being a father. You think you've got a crappy father, wait til he cuts your hand off in a lop-sided light saber fight while trying to convert you to the "dark side"... and then tells you, matter-of-factly, that he's the sperm donor that helped to bring you in to this world. Talk about mind f--ks. After finding out this douche is your dad you'd almost be tempted to go back to Tattooine and ask your Uncle to give you back your farm hand job.
No. 4: Dr. Evil
(Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, 1997)
Talk about bad dads. This schmuck has such a problem holding back his disgust over his son's lack of interest in his evil ways that he goes out and creates an evil clone to tote around instead. I guess one thing you can't defrost when you thaw out an evil genius (a term that doesn't really apply here) is his heart. I don't know about you but if my dad was plotting daily ways to kill me I wouldn't be rushing to get him a father's day card or a calculator to help him figure out the difference between six and seven zeros either- I'd be plotting ways to stick that little clone bastard up his a$$.
No. 3: Lester Burnham
(American Beauty, 1999)
How's this for embarrassing- your dad hits on your best friend, buys pot from your boyfriend, and quits his job to work the drive-through window at McDonalds all because he's going through a bit of a mid-life crisis? If this doesn't scream intensive psychotherapy (for you), what does? Oh, well, I guess walking in to the room after your boyfriend's father kill your own for suspecting he and your boyfriend were having a "bro-mance" might do it-- if you stuck around long enough and hadn't run as far away as possible already. Who says the suburbs are boring?
No. 2: Jack Torrence
(The Shining, 1980)
This is the movie that proved that all work and no play makes a father lose his sh-t to the point where he can't tell the difference between reality and an old, fat rotting corpse of a lady coming on to him in a bathtub. Talk about dumbass delusions of grandeur: most dad's crack up and think they're Napoleon or Ghangis Khan; this guy's feeble mind only let him believe he was an unknown mass murderer from the 1920s. No wonder his kid was able to outsmart him in the bush maze-- this guy was about as clueless as a psychopath as he was as a father. I mean, what kind of dad let's his kid roam around an empty hotel all day to be educated by dyslexic ghosts?
No. 1: Dwight Hansen
(This Boy's Life, 1993)
All right, this prick takes the cake. What kind of a-hole buys a kid a hunting dog that runs away when he hears a rifle for the first time? What kind of asshole buys a pacifist a hunting rifle? The kind of nimrod that takes his own futility out on his new wife's son because he sees things in him that he will never be. And what's up with the boy scout shorts and scarf Dwight? Maybe if you want people to take you seriously you should have invested in some Khaki pants to go with your patent leather shoes, instead of beating up on defenceless little boys. This f--k is twisted and deserves everything he gets in the end-- i.e. finding himself totally and utterly alone. Maybe if you spent more time working on your own issues instead of trying to mess up others, you wouldn't be such a sad, sack you psycho. Maybe if you had your own life, you wouldn't be such a d--k of a step dad. You're a winner...
And there you have it. 5 Dads that make the rest of us look good by being utterly f-ing terrible.