Settling in to Fatherhood The Only Way I Know How

Why is it whenever a baby comes out of one orifice a million people’s heads go in to another? Does no one get it by now- moms don’t have the market cornered on caring for newborns anymore, and it’s time the rest of society clued in to that fact. Dads are doing it for themselves, and the only thing holding us back isn’t ourselves, it’s the antiquated beliefs of those who would have you believe moms are the perfect parents that perpetuate a myth.  It’s time to get your heads out of the sand (or your asses) people. It’s a brand new world, and dads, contrary to what you think, aren’t here for your amusement. 

Take this gem forwarded to me from a fan. It’s from a handbook handed out to moms in a Texas hospital and it speaks volumes about the world some people are still living in. Sure, there are new dads out there that are about as useful as Bull in a China Shop, but I don’t speak for them. I speak for the millions of dads who when handed their child for the first time run with the ball (baby) with the best of us; the dads who don’t miss a beat when it comes to getting right in there to be the first to change a diaper, or feed a bottle, or get out a burp.  I speak for dads you couldn’t pay enough to stay out of a delivery room; dads who are in it to win it and want to be the best f-ing parent you’ve ever seen. 

Yes, history would tell you that moms are the more nurturing parent; the more adept at caring for a newborn baby. But history would also tell you that moms have no place in the military, the boardroom or the White House. We all know that’s bullshit, so why are we okay to say that dads need extra “handling” when it comes to caring for their own offspring. Have we not moved past this kind of old world thinking? How many little boys have to ask for an easy bake oven or a Barbie before you realize that men can be born to be nurturing too (even if we also like to blow up sh@#)? Hey, we stopped beating left-handedness out of kids years ago. Isn’t it time we stop beating IN gender stereotypes as well?

I’m a man. I like male things, but when it comes to raising my little girl, no one, and I mean no one does it better. I’m Florence Frickin’ Nightingale (or is it Henderson?). My wife isn’t some all-knowing, child-bearing god. She’s my equal partner in the most important job either one of us will ever have. And guess what… that’s the way it should be! Anything she can do I can do equally (except give birth or breastfeed a child) and we pride ourselves on that. She’s never had to leave me a long list of things to do with the baby when she left the house and I’ve never had to totally disregard it. It’s the way parenting was meant to be. 

But (and this is for all the moms out there who think the above excerpt from a handbook provided by a Texas hospital is funny) you keep allowing certain segments of society to belittle a dad’s role in parenting and we’ll see how far you get out of the hospital before you realize just how screwed you really are. You want to feel alone, really alone, then realize your attitude towards men/dads has just sentenced you to a lifetime of caring for your children with little to no help from the one other person who could in fact make your life sooooo much easier. 

Ladies, wouldn’t it be nice to have your husband take over all child care duties at a moment’s notice… without you having to ask? Wouldn’t it be nice to just leave your house without having to worry that you’ve had to leave your child in the hands of someone who has no clue what they’re doing (because you’ve never given him the chance to prove himself)?  Wouldn’t it be nice to know that the person you deemed worthy to marry and impregnate you is also worthy of caring for your offspring? I’m sure it would be, and the only thing stopping this from being your reality is YOU (well 90 % of the time; we still accept that about 10 percent of dads are dolts- it’s a fact). 

So let’s get off the high horse shall we. Just because dad didn’t sit on the nest for 9 months and push out an egg the size of a party Sandwich from Subway doesn’t mean he can’t nurture it once it’s been de-goo-ified (my word) by a nurse, or a midwife, or a cab driver.  We’re not running from our responsibilities. If anything, this kind of old world thinking is pushing us away, but we’re trying our best to ignore it, and you, so we can do what we were meant to do- be great dads to our kids, whether you f-ing like it or not. 

How’s that for settling in to my responsibilities as a f-ing father!?

End rant.