If there’s one law I live by its Murphy’s Law: simply put, “whatever
can go wrong will go wrong.” It’s how I keep my sanity as a parent. I don’t
expect everything to run like clockwork because- the truth is- it rarely ever
does. Children are unpredictable. They are wild cards. They change from minute
to minute without a seconds notice and this keeps you constantly on your toes.
Some parents accept this and try to their best to anticipate meltdowns before
they happen. Others try to correct meltdowns after they happen. Regardless, tantrums,
“bad” behavior and insolence come with the territory and you have to deal with
them. Now, I know, dealing with a
screaming, whining, demanding child is more than most parents of young children
can handle, but I’m not so sure sticking them in a corner, hoping their “bad”
behavior will go way is really the best way to discipline a young child.
I’m talking about Time-outs. I’ve tried them on my daughter,
they don’t work for me. Now, I know what you’re going to say, “You’re probably
not doing it properly,” but I’m not the only one who has tried to use this
method of discipline on my little girl to no avail. Hell, my daycare provider
says my daughter holds the record for the number of time-outs in one day (9)
and all that says is maybe my daughter’s not “time-out” material.
No, I’m not going to use corporal punishment on her. I had
it done to me as a child and I know it just made my resolve to piss my parents off
stronger. No, I’m not going to take her to therapy to find out what’s “bothering”
her – she’s a kid and she wants to do whatever she wants to do, but we don’t
let her (duh?). So where does that leave
me: shock collars; bribery; a trip to a penitentiary to show my 2-year-old
where her actions will be leading her?
No, it leaves me trying to find alternatives that work for
MY child. Now, I’d like to say I have all the time in the world to do that kind
of research, but I don’t. So we’re open to suggestions. Please tell us what
methods you’ve tried to discipline your child: what’s worked and what has not.
Feel free to share any links to books, or websites, or flow charts that show
exactly what your method of choice entails. We appreciate your help with this.
It’s bad enough that I spent most of my formative years sitting in a Vice
Principals office for “behavior unbefitting a child.” Please don’t let this
happen to my child. We welcome all advice (on this topic).
Related Links:
- Positive Discipline: Why Time Outs Don’t Work,Susan Shiffelma
- When Time-outs Don’t Work, Parents.com
- Discipline Alternative to Time-Outs
The last 3 years I'm with my children doing the "Positive .Time-Out", don't let them alone while it happens. Like Jane Nelsen advises in Positive Discipline Parenting Tools. And it works, because I make them think, with me, about what leads to that siuation, and it should be in a nice place, chosen by them: "People do better, when they feel better". Maria
ReplyDeleteTimeouts don't work because all it is is blatant punishment (which never creates anything positive except for the feeling of having gotten even with your kid). The best solutions are outlined in my book LOVE, LIMITS & LESSONS: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING COOPERATIVE KIDS (http://www.CooperativeKids.com). Evolve into a proactive parent who uses visual timers and preplanned boundaries, or just let the meltdowns and tantrums happen. The more often we don't respond to a meltdown, the more likely they will subside.
ReplyDeleteShort answer – there is no parenting tool that will work with every child, in every situation, every time. I encourage parents to take their favorite parenting tools (we all have tools passed on from our caregivers, whether we like it or not) and adapt them to fit their parenting goals, their child's unique qualities and the situation.
ReplyDeleteParenting is the ultimate in personal development, so you know at least part of the puzzle with any parenting challenge is going to involve your own learning and growth, but there are also plenty of situations where you're being a great parent and your child is just having a bad moment.
My rules for tools:
Be clear - about your expectations/the rule, the consequences for not listening, what you want your child to learn, etc., and be sure to share them with those involved.
Be calm - the moment you lose it your child experiences a wonderful taste of power – even if it is scary when it happens. Put your energy into keeping your emotions in check or you'll be promoting future power struggles.
Be consistent – do what you said you were going to do when your child misbehaves (asap). Don't change your mind mid-stride because your child is now cooperating – if your consequences were fair there is no need to feel bad about them.
Be creative – give yourself permission to adapt tools to fit your needs, rather than blindly following 'expert' advice. You know your situation better than anybody else – have fun with that!
Be caring – when your child likes you she doesn’t want to disappoint you if she can help it. Save the parent voice for when you're being ignored, choose your battles wisely and play nice the majority of the time.
In case you struggle with the creative part (you strike me as a very creative guy, but sometimes figuring out how to adapt parenting tools takes some help to get things going) I provide a whole section on it in my book Break Free of Parenting Pressures. I also have plenty of resources on my site to help parents understand there is no right & wrong in parenting, why we yell, why discipline is so hard to do (and what we can do about it), etc.
www.debbiepokornik.com
Best of luck with your current 'time-out' challenger and your future bundle of joy!