Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...


On the eve before I find out the sex of my second born child (still baking in the oven), I'm looking 4+ months down the road to delivery day. I'm excited, to be sure, but it's been so long since the birth of my first child that I'm not so sure how I'm going to react when our newest addition makes his/her entrance in to the world.

The first time around I was calm, cool and collected (i.e. I didn’t cry and I kept my wife focused on the task at hand). This time around, I'm a little older, a little wiser, and a whole lot sappier having taken to fatherhood like I never imagined I would. Who knows if I'll be able to keep it together like I did the last time? All I know is when you're in a room surrounded by the sights and sounds of a new life entering the world and emotions are running wild, and the excitement and anticipation is welling up inside of you, anything is possible.

Now, we've taken it upon ourselves and done some research (well, we read a lot of dad blogs) and according to our findings there are five possible reactions a father can have during the birth of a child. We don't judge, but it goes without saying that some are preferable to others, but everyone's different and just the fact that you, the dad, gets to be in the delivery room is a blessing so we won’t make TOO much fun of our blogging bredren.

Here we go! This is F4F's Top Five Types of Delivery Dads (in no discernible order). We’ve got the criers, the fainters, the mumblers (See Rocky II) and the screamers. This is arm chair quarterbacking at its finest, and it ain’t even Super bowl Sunday.

1. The "Acceptance Speech" Dad:

This is the dad who grabs the baby right out of the obstetric nurse’s hand and goes straight in to thanking everybody in the room, except his wife: “Doc, great job buddy, we couldn’t have done it without you… The Nursing Staff, the Anesthesiologist, the guy I paid twenty bucks in the hallway to film it… you all get honorable mention… The baby! Man, without you, I mean why are we all here? Am I forgetting someone? Oh, yeah, the intake nurse, all the people I met in the waiting room, the vending machine down the hall… you’ve made this the happiest day of my life!”

2. The "Heisman Winner" Dad:
This is the dad who takes the ball (err, baby) and runs with it… right out of the delivery room. He blocks his way past the nurses in to the hallway, he fakes out his parents and in-laws and heads straight for the end zone (anyone who will listen to him). He screams: “We did it! We did it!” He sings “We are the Champions, my friend….”He runs up to strangers and holds out the baby: “Do you see her? Do you see her? That’s my new little girl…bitches!!!” He holds the baby over his head and does a victory lap up and down the pediatrics ward going “It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle!” …only stopping to answer his cellphone when it rings in his pocket. “Hello?” he says, his angry wife on the other end of the line.  “Oh, it’s you… yeah, I know you’re the mother, but… but… Yes, I’ll bring her back.” (Kicking the air, he looks down at the baby) “She’s no fun.”

3. The "There's Something in My Eye" Dad:
Here we have the dad who is shy about showing any emotion and will go to any lengths to prove that he has not she a single tear. “What are you all looking at? I wasn’t crying. There’s something in my eye.” Or, “I’m not crying! My tear ducts must be clogged or something… Its sweat from holding my wife’s leg in the air… its amniotic fluid that must have shot across the room!” No one buys it, but he keeps trying his best to convince everyone- his wife, his mother-in-law, the guy holding the pan waiting for his wife’s placenta to drop- that the big, strong dad isn’t capable of crying because he’s “the man.” Dude, next time why don’t you just use the excuse every other guy uses- that your wife hurt your hand when she squeezed it during her contractions. Real men cry, you pansy! (Sobbing) “But it really hurt.”

4. The "Money Shot" Dad:
This is the dad that gets up close and personal, no matter how many times his wife wails for him to stop. 

Husband: “Honey, I can see the head…”
Wife (gritting her teeth): “I told you to stay at my shoulder…”
Husband, touches the crowning baby: “You should feel this… it’s gooey.”
Wife: “Get your ass back up here…”
Husband (puts on gloves, pushes the doctor out of the way): “Don’t worry sweetie, I got this…”
Wife (bears down to deliver the baby): “Get Away…” (kicks him in the face)
Husband (lying on the floor): “Honey, look, it’s a boy!”
Doctor: “Umm, that’s the baby’s nose…”
Husband: “Cool.”

5. The Instant Replay Dad:

This is the guy who relives the entire birthing experience ad nauseum much to his wife’s chagrin. 

“Hey honey, remember when the doctor came in and stuck that big needle in your back? Wasn’t that cool? And when the doctor put your legs in the stirrups and felt around in there… I got chills… did you get chills? Ohhh… what about when he had to stick his forearm in there to turn the baby’s head? That was AWESOME! And the 30 hours of contractions… and the screaming… and that time when you said: “Shut the f@#k up Larry”… am I the only one who loved that? And sure, the baby being born, that was cool, but when you delivered the placenta and it looked like that time I ordered Haggis in Scotland… that was so wicked!” 

This is also the guy who is lucky that his wife is needs him for a ride home, otherwise she’d rather just divorce his ass in the hospital.  Note to self: "When the baby's born... zip it!"

...And there you have it, a “close” look at the 5 types of Delivery Room Dads- F4F style. 

Which one are you? 

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