LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...

THE ULTIMATE CAGE MATCH!: "SPIDER BABY" VERSUS "DIM-WITTED DAD"

The battle was inevitable (re: baby proofing). You can't cage the human spirit. When the mind desires to be free the body soon follows; no matter how large the obstacle; no matter what it takes. And it's not the size of your adversary one should worry about - its the strength of their resolve. It's a hard lesson, especially for new parents.

Sooner or later, the child that barely moved during the first few months of life slowly starts to strengthen once weak muscles and quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with. The child that could barely lift her head, or roll onto her back, soon masters the motor skills to rise to her knees and begin to crawl- the beginning of the end, as this soon leads to every parents worst nightmare: the walking child. It sneaks up on you- this new found streak of  independence- and fight it as you might, you can't win. All you can do is prepare for battle. And battle you will...

LETS GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLE....

The Main Event: 
Spider Baby vs. Dim-witted Dad

Stats:
Spider Baby- 20lb of lean muscle. Patented move- climbing the furniture and doing her best Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka impersonation.

Dim-witted Dad- 200+ lbs. of undigested lean ground beef (mostly hamburgers and Manwich). Patented move - the claw (more like the clutch, as he grabs his daughter's legs mid-air as she dives, head first, from the furniture).

Announcer: "There goes the bell. Spider baby and Dim-witted Dad move around the ring (a makeshift "cage" of ottomans, La-z-boys, and over sized stuffed animals). Dim-witted Dad gives chase as Spider Baby attempts to reach the turnbuckle and escape. He grabs an ankle, but she's too quick, and he loses her before she climbs the ropes (ottoman). She gets ready to pounce. He catches her mid-air, only to have her fall on top of him. Dazed, he doesn't hear the count...One... Two... He lifts his shoulder, rolling Spider Baby off into the corner. Unfazed, she makes her way to the ropes again, bounces off of them to roar back towards him for a clothesline... He uses her momentum, to pick her up, and (softly) body slam her onto her favorite pillow pet. He pins her down, but she grabs a loose turnbuckle (a plush rooster) and bashes him in head. She gets to the ropes. Dim-witted Dad gives chase, but it's too late- she climbs out of the cage (over the ottoman) and in to the safe arms of her tag team partner, Mom. Spider Baby shocks the world and takes the title! Dim-witted Dad waits to "fight" another day."

I always say, if you can't beat 'em (no really, there are laws against that), join 'em. Sooner or later, your little movers will outsmart you and overcome all obstacles (chairs, ottomans, couches, etc.) you put before them. Prepare yourself and plan for the day when your Spider Baby starts climbing the walls. After all, an ounce of prevention, is a pound (or 20lbs) of cure.

"Whatcha gonna do when your child goes wild on you!?!"

Remember: Safety first!  Here's a list of websites to help you turn your house into the ultimate "cage" (safety zone), from which no child can escape (or reach into the knife drawer, or fall down the stairs, or jam their fingers into an electrical socket). It's time to take back the belt (the title belt- using that other kind of belt, that went out in the eighties).

LINKS: 
http://www.playtexmommyville.ca/Mommyville/6-12Months/Preparation/Baby_Proofing_Basics.aspx 

http://www.weepiggies.com/childsafety.html

http://www.babycenter.com/0_childproofing-around-the-house_460.bc 

http://www.hometips.com/home_baby_safety_childproofing.html

http://www.dad.info/kids/toddlers/toddler-proof-your-home/

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