Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...

Bad Daddy!: Top Ten Worst Movies To Watch With A Toddler in the Room

It's not like I did it on purpose. Sometimes I forget that my daughter's mind is a sponge absorbing everything around her. She took a nap, so I decided to watch a movie on the tube. Problem is she woke up and I forgot to change the channel. Actually, she woke up, I forgot to change the channel but decided to film her playing happily on the floor in front of the TV. Well, the real truth is, she woke up, I forgot to change the channel, I decided to film her playing in front of the TV, and then I showed it to my wife... who loved being able to see what went on while she was away for a few hours (not). It's not like my wife has never done this herself. It happens. She just didn't tape herself doing it. And, luckily, she watched the tape before loading it up on Facebook to show all her friends. Otherwise, it would have made me look like a bad parent... wait a minute... damn!.... 

So what did we learn from this experience? One, until my daughter is old enough to understand the difference between reality and make believe, some time in her early twenties, when I tell her to get a job or get out of my house, I will be watching television that is more suitable to her tastes. And, two, if I'm going to do something stupid that could possibly cause irreparable damage to my daughter's psyche (like subject her to "Barney") I shouldn't catch it on film (or digitize it if you will). 

In my defense, I wasn't actually watching anything that was that bad, but the fact that I was watching something that warned me at each commercial that is was not suitable for young kids because of the violence, language and nudity, which could be heard several times, clearly on the tape, didn't really impress my wife.

So here's my list of the ten movies I will no longer be watching when they show up on my television set on Sunday afternoons. For various reasons, as you shall see, they are bad. Bad! Bad! Bad! But so good at the same time (like wrestling, and ultimate fighting, and boxing). Sigh...

Jaws(1975, Horror/Thriller) If you ever plan on taking your child to the beach, or sending her to summer camp, or if you want to give her a bath ever again, don't let her watch this movie. I saw it for the first time in 1980 (I was six), and, needless to say, you won't catch me surfing in the ocean.

Alien: (1979, Science Fiction/Horror) If I were a kid watching this movie for the first time, I'll tell you right know, I'd think all those other kids, the ones who wanted to grow up and be astronauts, were f@#$ing crazy.

John Carpenter's "The Thing": (1982, Science Fiction/Horror) Just click on the link. You and your kid will never play with the dog again!

A Clockwork Orange: (1971, "Darkly Satirical" Science Fiction) I walked in on my eldest brother and his friends while they were watching this- when I was 8. You've read my stuff... how well did you think that turned out? Why couldn't they have just been watching something less harmful to my eight-year-old brain, like Flesh Gordon (Flesh, not Flash).

The Exorcist: (1973, Horror) Everyone who saw the original screening of this film threw up... Isn't the whole point to get your kid to stop doing that?

Poltergeist: (1982, Horror) This is the scene that freaked me out the most as a kid. If you want to scar your kids for life, have them use a public bathroom while describing the horrors of micro-organisms to them... but don't let them watch this!

American History X: (1998, Drama) Curb scene... need I say more?

RoboCop: (1987, Action/Sci-Fi) This is the uncut version. Extra bloody...

Kill Bill Volume 1: (2003, Action Thriller) You know a movie is bad for your kids when they have to switch to a black and white format during the big, bloody fight scene so as not to incur an X rating.

300: (2007, Action/Adventure) That's the minimum amount of people that die in this film- and not in a Branch Davidian, drift off to sleep kind of way. Is it scary?... Only if you're afraid of guys withskulls for faces and a Giant that chops people's heads off

Bonus: Rambo IV:  (2008, Action/War) This movie scarred me for life with its horrible acting and bloody (I mean machine guns blowing people's arms off) ending. I can only imagine what it would do to my kid? He'd never respect Sylvester Stallone as an actor again!
Honorable Mention: Sin City (Marv's scenes especially) and Scarface (use of language, chainsaw scene).

Oh, and the movie I was watching... Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


  1. Good stuff, man. What about Halloween? That movie had me afraid to walk to school. I had to cab it. It was awkward. I officially like you on FB now. Keep churnin' em out!

  2. Halloween is a classic, but I didn't want to go for the obvious... If you want to see a truly scary movie, check out The Experiement (german import). Its scary because it's a true depiction of human nature.

  3. Please - my dad INTENTIONALLY put those on when I was young :) The only one my mom ever made him turn off? David Lynch's Blue Velvet when I was 9. She went away a couple months later to visit my grandma and we watched it then.

  4. Tracy, I had 5 older siblings that would watch anything and everything from The Shining to Flesh Gordon, not caring if I was in the room or not. I didn't need parents to ruin me (although, if they had been home, I propbably would have gotten in to trouble more for sneaking out of bed).