Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...


Any involved parent of a toddler will tell you, watching cartoons all day isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sure, you want to be there to monitor your child's viewing habits, but watching the same thing, over and over again, just can't be good for the adult mind (unless it's re-runs of Seinfeld, Friends, or possibly Night Court). So you develop ways to pass the time...

First you make small observations, like why is it that Dora can only accomplish 3 things in a day, or why are people in this park okay with a big Purple Dinosaur getting all touchy/feely with their kids?

Then you dig deeper, mostly in to your own psyche, and start to wonder weird things like why does that orange, knobby looking guy on Yo Gabba Gabba remind you of a dildo? Or why does it bother you that children are allowed to believe that animals can speak in perfect English, but if an adult thinks the same thing they're asked for a urine sample (see Harvey). And how come these crazy cartoon kids never age? I mean, don't you think that Ben kid from Growing Pains wishes he was so lucky, or Tina Yothers from Family Ties, or Webster for that matter?

But, I guess of all the things I've seen on Television since becoming a father, the one thing that bothers me the most when it comes to children's cartoons is the lack of realism. And maybe it goes back to my days of watching Charlie Brown, but nothing bothers me more than a cartoonist getting lazy and just flat out neglecting to give one of his characters some goddam hair. I mean how old are these kids? Shouldn't they have SOME hair? No, I'm not talking about under their arms, or on their chests, as most of these characters are a little young for that, but would it kill you to put a patch on their heads?

One show that I watch regularly has me quite perplexed when it comes to this issue of hair. It's called Calliou, and the kid's annoying, precocious, and I don't really care for him that much, but I'm still pulling for them to give him some f@#%ing hair one of these days. Well, hair, and a skin tone. I mean this kid is pasty. He's Casper the Friendly Ghost white. He's Sean Patrick Flannery in "Powder" white. He's not even off white: he's ivory white. But, back to his hair... would it kill you to give the kid some locks? He's four-years-old for Christ's (sorry) sake? And if you're not going to do it, well then I'm going to have to do it myself, even if I only imagine it every time he walks across the screen.

Powder (1995)
But, it's a hard decision. choosing a hairstyle for someone else, especially a kid. I mean, Celine Dion couldn't do it? But I had to try? So, please accept my suggestions for what I think would be some killer coiffes for one of the plainest kids to ever live in cartoon land, and let's get this kid some friggin hair...

Hairstyle # 1
The Hand Print
This is more a statement of what a dad might want to leave on this annoying little brat's head than a haircut, but as we don't condone hitting your kids around here, let's just say this is merely an option... in hairstyles.

Hairstyle # 2
The Leo Sayer

This hairstyle, thought to have been retired in the late seventies, is the perfect choice for little Cueball, err Calliou. Its got, "you make me feel like dancing" written all over it. And, I'm sure it will have him singing, instead of whining, in no time.

Hairstyle # 3
The Alfalfa

This hairstyle, borrowed from a child actor from yesteryear (see Little Rascals), is a bold statement, one that says "maybe I should have used less hair gel this morning." But, hey, it's better than being bald.

Hairstyle # 4
The Punk
Now, I'm not sure our fair little Calliou will be able to pull this one off, but just think how many four-year-old girls would be lining up at his door if he could. This look never went out of style... just ask Billy Idol.

Hairstyle # 5
The Lawrence Tyrode
Want less height, less pink in your child's hairdo? Try the Lawrence Tyrode, better known as the Mr. T. This look is a big hit with the ladies, and a bold statement for any kid that wants to say: "I don't take sh@# from anybody" that's why I spend as much time shaving my head as your mom spends shaving her legs.

And finally... for good measure...

Hairstyle # 6 
The Terry Bradshaw
Well, let's be honest, who really wants male pattern baldness, at any age? Sorry Terry.

And there you have it. Please place your vote for your favorite below, and let's petition the producers of this show to give Casper, err Powder, err Calliou something all kids deserve... something to protect their scalp from the sun.  Lets' retire the "Telly Savalas," shall we? Thanks.

1 comment: