NEW DADS AND DAUGHTERS: WHINING AND DINING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWO-YEAR-OLD

"YOU GONNA STAND THERE, OR ARE
YOU GONNA CLEAN IT UP?"

Maybe I shouldn't be saying this out loud, but raising a daughter in the throws of the Terrible Twos is like dating the bitch from hell...

To start off, she can't make up her mind about anything. Oh, she might order the most expensive item off the menu, but she won't actually eat it. With her, it's always about causing a scene:

"I want this!!! No, I want that!!! No, give me that other thing again... No. The OTHER THING, you idiot!!!"

And, if she doesn't get what she wants, the plates start flying:

"No surf and turf! (Plate shatters against the ground).
"I want filet of soul!
(Glass flies past the waiter's head and explodes against the wall).
"What does a girl have to do for some freakin' filet of sole?!?!? Get me some FILET OF FREAKIN' SOLE!!!!!!" (Bang, Boom, Bang).

So you order the filet of sole...
"Ewww. I don't want it."

Sigh.
And, if she does like something, that's even worse:

Daughter: "Daddy? Want more ice-coo-eem."
DADDY: "So sweetie, Daddy finished it...
Daughter: "Mo' ice-coo-eem, peeze..." she says as she stares you straight in the eye, unwavering in her resolve.

DADDY: "But, Daddy fin..."
Daughter: (Flailing arms and legs) "I WANT MORE ICE CREAM!!! GIVE ME MORE ICE CREAM!!!! (Grabs Daddy by the shirt) "Give me more ice cream!"
DADDY: "(Nervous smile on his face) Check Please!"
(Waiter brings the check and starts clearing the table)
Daughter: "So, NO ice-coo-eem?"
DADDY:  " No Sybil, my little spawn of Satan--- no ice cream."
Daughter: "Cake?"


So to save yourself any more embarrassment, you take her home, but she just won't stop:


Daughter: "Waiter no bring ice cream... bad service. Bad waiter."
DADDY: "Well, he tried his best, but with the flying cutlery and all the screaming..."
Daughter: "No! Bad waiter. How come we go there?"
DADDY: "It was the only place I could take you so we wouldn't see anyone I know."
Daughter: "Humph! (She crosses her arms, turning away) Daddy no talk to me. Me too mad."

And, as always, there's going to be that fun moment when you walk her to the door and wait for that kiss goodnight:

Daughter: "Me tired. Night night."
DADDY: "What? No kiss?"
Daughter: "Daddy no deserve. Go kiss self."
DADDY: "I bought you seven entrees, paid for seven broken bone china plates, took you for a walk past your favorite jewellery store so you could point out all the rings you like, and never said a word about how rude, disrespectful and inappropriate your behavior was in the restaurant..."
Daughter: "No ice-coo-reem though. Good night."

(Slams the door in my face)

Daddy: (Calls out) "Want to do it again tomorrow?"
Daughter: (Muffled) "Sure. Why not?"


Yes, even with all her shortcomings, I still love her. Sure, she's pure evil, but she's all mine.

Wanna babysit?