Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...


Maybe I shouldn't be saying this out loud, but raising a daughter in the throws of the Terrible Twos is like dating the bitch from hell...

To start off, she can't make up her mind about anything. Oh, she might order the most expensive item off the menu, but she won't actually eat it. With her, it's always about causing a scene:

"I want this!!! No, I want that!!! No, give me that other thing again... No. The OTHER THING, you idiot!!!"

And, if she doesn't get what she wants, the plates start flying:

"No surf and turf! (Plate shatters against the ground).
"I want filet of soul!
(Glass flies past the waiter's head and explodes against the wall).
"What does a girl have to do for some freakin' filet of sole?!?!? Get me some FILET OF FREAKIN' SOLE!!!!!!" (Bang, Boom, Bang).

So you order the filet of sole...
"Ewww. I don't want it."

And, if she does like something, that's even worse:

Daughter: "Daddy? Want more ice-coo-eem."
DADDY: "So sweetie, Daddy finished it...
Daughter: "Mo' ice-coo-eem, peeze..." she says as she stares you straight in the eye, unwavering in her resolve.

DADDY: "But, Daddy fin..."
Daughter: (Flailing arms and legs) "I WANT MORE ICE CREAM!!! GIVE ME MORE ICE CREAM!!!! (Grabs Daddy by the shirt) "Give me more ice cream!"
DADDY: "(Nervous smile on his face) Check Please!"
(Waiter brings the check and starts clearing the table)
Daughter: "So, NO ice-coo-eem?"
DADDY:  " No Sybil, my little spawn of Satan--- no ice cream."
Daughter: "Cake?"

So to save yourself any more embarrassment, you take her home, but she just won't stop:

Daughter: "Waiter no bring ice cream... bad service. Bad waiter."
DADDY: "Well, he tried his best, but with the flying cutlery and all the screaming..."
Daughter: "No! Bad waiter. How come we go there?"
DADDY: "It was the only place I could take you so we wouldn't see anyone I know."
Daughter: "Humph! (She crosses her arms, turning away) Daddy no talk to me. Me too mad."

And, as always, there's going to be that fun moment when you walk her to the door and wait for that kiss goodnight:

Daughter: "Me tired. Night night."
DADDY: "What? No kiss?"
Daughter: "Daddy no deserve. Go kiss self."
DADDY: "I bought you seven entrees, paid for seven broken bone china plates, took you for a walk past your favorite jewellery store so you could point out all the rings you like, and never said a word about how rude, disrespectful and inappropriate your behavior was in the restaurant..."
Daughter: "No ice-coo-reem though. Good night."

(Slams the door in my face)

Daddy: (Calls out) "Want to do it again tomorrow?"
Daughter: (Muffled) "Sure. Why not?"

Yes, even with all her shortcomings, I still love her. Sure, she's pure evil, but she's all mine.

Wanna babysit?

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