LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...

"WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBLITY": TOP TEN SUPER POWERS EVERY DAD CAN USE

Now, I'm not saying I would abuse super powers if I had them. Certainly, in my younger days, there were times when I might have enjoyed greater endurance, amazing agility, and the option of contorting my body in to all sorts of weird shapes, but who needs that when we have Viagara. As a parent of an eighteen-month-old, all I want now is the strength to help me through the average day. Caring for a toddler is a daunting task at the best of times, and any advantage a parent can get should be welcomed with open arms. So, being the comic book nerd I am, I have to wonder: what are the best super powers for a dad to have?And, what powers would serve me well, well in to my daughter's early thirties (when I'll finally allow her to date)...


X-Ray Vision: (Superman)

Here's one that will save you a  lot of time and money. Just the other day the battery life ran out on my expensive video monitor so I actually had to get my butt off the couch to go and check on my kid. Imagine if I only had to look through the walls or the floor boards to see that my child was perfectly warm and content. I'd never have to get off my butt again (to buy more batteries).

Super Hearing: (Superman/Wolverine)

Now, I'd never want my wife to know I had this ("Sorry. Could you repeat that? I wasn't listening to you"), and it would certainly work against me when my daughter wakes up at five in the morning babbling to herself, but super hearing might come in handy? Well, I'm thinking more for the future, like when my little girl tries to sneak out of the house at 1a.m to go and meet her new boyfriend, Leach, for some "quality" time. It will also allow me to tell her to go to sleep when she's hiding under her covers having another inane cellphone conversation with her best friend over who has fatter ankles, or (kill me now) bigger boobs.

Healing Factor: (Wolverine)

Here's one I can use daily, like every time my little girl squirms out of my arms to run to her mother. I know I'll be the favored parent in a few short years, but it stabs me in the heart each time she cries for Mommy. But, who am I kidding, a least I don't have a kid crying for me 24/7. Sucker!

Spider Sense: (Spiderman)

Most pessimistic dads (such as myself) already have a form of this. It's called foresight - thinking the worst could happen at any time; like choking, or falling off the couch, or falling head first in to the sharp corner of a coffee table. As a dad,  I can already see three steps ahead, but this super power has the added advantage of being able to warn of speeding cars, falling coconuts, or beef stew that's still way to hot.

Retractable Claws: (Wolverine)

Who needs a shotgun? Prepare all your toddler's meals/snacks with a quick "Snit" of the wrist, and when your daughter gets older, they'll come in really handy as you sharpen them while having "the talk" with her latest beau.

Detective Skills: (Batman)

Fine. It's not actually a superpower, but when your teen-aged daughter runs off to join a cult and the police say she's only been missing for 12 hours- so they can't help you- you may rethink your thinking. This one comes in handy for when you're inside stores wondering if you forgot something ("Um, where's the kid?"), or playing hide and go seek with a pro, or prone to letting your child off-leash in a mall ("Oh, crap! Phew... Timmy! Get off the escalator!")

Super Brains: (Mr. Fantastic)

Brawn is good, but it won't help you when your eight-year-old asks for help with his algebra homework, or when your eighth grader wants you to build a working volcano for the science fair. And it certainly won't help when your three-year-old starts asking questions you can't even comprehend ("Why is the sky blue Daddy?" "Um... oh...um...ask your mother!"). Brains also help you in your dealing with your wife... ("What are you thinking about? "Um... how beautiful you are?").

Mastering Magnetism: (Magneto)

I know what you're thinking, but you won't have to disarm a switchblade wielding bully until your kid's at least...seven, so what's the use of this power? For one, it will come in handy every time your toddler locks you out of a room, or every time you forget how to work the child-safety locks on your kitchen cabinets. It will also come in handy when you want to board your daughter up in her room so she can't date until her thirties (sure, you could use a nail gun, but it wouldn't be as cool).

Heightened Super Senses: (Daredevil)

Yes, it would suck to be blind, but having all your other senses heightened would more than make up for it- like being able to hear when your kid has crapped his pants, long before you smell it. Or being able to smell the cookie your kid took from the cupboard on his breath. Or being able to feel your way out of your teen-aged daughter's room after you walked in on her and her boyfriend and had to turn off the lights so you wouldn't go blind (wait a second)... or being able to nail that bastard with some blind boomerang action as he scurries out of your house and down the street ("Woo...Woo...OWW!)"

Telekinesis: (Professor X)

How do you control your kid's behavior without getting out of your favorite chair? Why super telekineses of course. If you were the most powerful mind on the planet, 1) your kids would never lie to you, 2) you'd never have to wonder where they are, 3) you'd know exactly what they got on EVERY report card, and 4) you'd be able to help mould there best behavior:

Scenario: Thirteen-year-old Johnny walks into a convenience store to buy condoms.

Telekinetic Dad: "PUT 'EM BACK!"
Johnny: "Aw, man!"
Telekinetic Dad: "On second thought, bring those to me. Your Mom and are running low."
Johnny: "I'm so mortified."
Telekinetic Dad: "I heard that!"

And there you have it. The Top Ten Super Powers Every Dad Can Use. Or, at the very least, fantasize about having while reading comics in the bathroom (or teaching their birds weird stuff).

2 comments:

  1. I like it! although maybe Jean Grey instead of prof x. for telepathy and Telekinesis

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  2. I'd like to think after all these years, I'd have developed a few super powers of my own, to some extent. Like the power of intimidation...a few well placed words accompanied by the appropriate look works wonders. The power to control their fear...That one speaks for its self with overtones of the first power. These are only reinforced by the fact that I'm a former Marine...5' 11"...200+ lbs...and covered in tattoos from neck to ankle. You get the point. But I like your thinking...

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