TRUE DAT: THE STRAIGHT FACTS ON FIRST-TIME FATHERHOOD- PART ONE: CONCEPTION

"If he only knew what he was in for..."

Any guy who had the nickname of "Pee Wee" in high school can tell you: women talk. Unfortunately for first-time dads, men don't. It's just the way it is. Women talk about their day, and their feelings, and their children. Men talk about sports, and finance, and gambling, but everything else (like their favorite porn sites) they keep to themselves.  Why? Well, we don't like to talk about our feelings. We don't like to share (unless there's the possibility for a threesome... with another woman). And, our competitive nature ensures that we'll never divulge our trade secrets to a rookie.

I have two older brother's with kids. Do you think either one of them gave me any constructive commentary on what it was like to be a first-time father? Hell no. All I ever got was a whole lot of "you'll see" and "enjoy the life you have now while you can." It's just the nature of the beast- men don't talk (too much) about parenting.

Well, I want to change all of that. Men can talk about feelings, as long as those feelings are anger and bitterness, and irritation toward their wives. And when it comes to our kids, we can talk about our "boldness," our "daring" and our "bravery" at the prospect of becoming a dad, just so long as we never use the words sensitive or loving in our conversations. So, let's give it a try...

Here is a list of all the things you need to know as you become a first-time father; from one dude to another:

PART ONE: CONCEPTION (i.e. Pregnant wives suck):

I don't care if your wife is the kind who "loves" (cough... "bullsh@#t") being pregnant or hates it, having a pregnant wife sucks from the moment she takes that pee-on-a-stick fertility test to the moment the doctor yanks your child from her loins. She hates it, and because of that so will you.

Don't buy in to that crap your buddy tells you about how awesome pregnancy is and how cool it is to feel the baby moving around in there- it is, but it's the one (and only) highlight he can think of amongst the sea of b.s. he has to put up with on a daily basis ("Rub my feet!" "Go to the store!" "Help me get to the refrigerator so I can see what's in it so you can make me a platter and bring it to me on the couch!")

It's never-ending. And, yes, you're not the one who has to undergo the hormonal and "girth" changes that your wife must endure, but you're also (most likely) not the one who suggested having a kid (at this particular time in your life) in the first place. Because, let's be honest: IT NEVER WORKS THAT WAY (sorry sweetie, love you). But, if you want to survive to see the birth of your child, I wouldn't ever say that (oh crap). Instead, say "yes dear" (a lot), keep your head down, do everything that she asks (within reason), call reinforcements whenever possible (" Hi, Mom? She's foaming at the mouth again...Can you come over?"), sign up for as many sports as you can play (to get the hell out of the house), and if you have a water bed wear a helmet whenever you get in first (think about it).

Nine months doesn't seem like a long time, but when Jabba the Hut has that chain wrapped around your neck it's gonna feel like a millenia (nice gold bikini, dude). Just grin and bare it. Remember why you married your wife. Remember your love. Remember the girl who stole your heart, and remind yourself that that person was engulfed by the woman that now lays sprawled out on the couch, drooling over a king-size pizza. She will be returned back to you... kinda (have you ever seen the movie The Fly when the monkey's DNA gets all messed up...? Um, yeah). Until then, enjoy your kid, because the only thing more demanding than a pregnant woman is one that has just given birth.

Sucker!

Welcome to fatherhood...

To Be Continued...